The Price is Right/Draft 1
Short Film The screen is black. Suddenly, a fire ignites to spell the words "A Fish Against The World". The fire engulfs the screen, then dies down and the short film plays. Admiral Atom (Tariq Nasheed) and Gashon Cansaker (Danny Trejo) are sitting, talking in a room very similar to the one seen at the start of The Great Gashby. Atom laughs. Atom: What if I armed a Gash-bomb? Gashon becomes furious to the point where his eye twitches. Gashon: I AM NOT A BOMB! Gashon throws a used grenade at Atom in a feeble attempt to scare him. Atom snatches the grenade out of the air. Atom: Oh really? Atom reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a C4. Scene 1 The scene opens up with a bank, similar to the opening scene of 'The Dark Knight'. Adam Heart, (John Goodman), Price Rocks (Milo Ventimigilia), and Xalandra Nova (Uma Thurman) are seen walking into the bank. Adam goes up to the Bank teller (or whatever, I know nothing about banks.) Bank Teller (Rebel Wilson): Hello sir, thank you for- Price, standing behind Adam, then aims a gun at the bank teller, while Adam pulls out a duffel bag, as Xalandra is paying attention to the hostages. Adam Heart, Hello to you too, you're welcome. Now put the money in the bag. The bank teller then starts following Adams commands, and puts the money in the bag. Adam and Xalandra then shoot random people in there leg as they walk out. Outside, all three of them get into seperate cars. '' Adam (Over phone): Were getting rich t'day! Xalandra, Price! Price: Yeah, about that, look in your bag. ''Adam opens up his bag, revealing a note that says "I.O.U", meanwhile, Price smirks as he takes a peek at the money he snuck away from Adam. Adam: Price, You. Son. Of. A. Price hangs up phone, and "Born To Be Wild" is heard playing while his car is shown speeding away. As Born To Be Wild is being played, the opening credits roll in, showing newspapers and various media showing headlines such as 'The War Eagle Gang Strike Again' and other headlines of that type. As Born To Be Wild ends along with the opening credits, a title card saying "2 years after The Great Gashby" is shown, after that is gone, a TV is shown playing a new report. News Reporter (Logan Lerman): Lord Lawrence bringing you another new report, according to my sources Price Rocks, famous billionaire, sat in this seat today! More on this story later. The camera them zooms out of the TV screen, revealing Adam Heart is watching it, while eating peanuts. When he hears the name 'Price' he crushes a peanut with his fists, and throws it at the TV. Adam: This is B.S... Total B.S.... Adam now stands up, and beings talking to himself. Adam: You see? I DON'T GET IT. THAT SON OF A BITCH IS LITERALLY NO WHERE, YET THEY TV SAYS HES EVERYWHERE. I SWEAR, THERE WILL BE NO WAY I CAN KILL HIM. BLAST DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS, THE CLIENT DOESN'T, I DON'T, NONE OF HIS FRIENDS DO, THIS MAN IS NO WHERE. YET EVERY LITTLE NEWS REPORTER KNOWS EXAC- Screw me. Adam then starts dialing a number on his phone. Adam: Hello, can I speak to miss Luna Kitsune? Luna: This is Luna? Adam: Meet me behind the Slenderville Diner. Luna: Wtf? Adam: Just. Do it. Scene then cuts to Luna and Adam, behind slenderville diner. Luna is holding a bunny. Adam: Was bringing the rabbit neccesary? Luna: It is if your doing what I think you are... Adam: Ok. Anyway, Adam pulls out a gun Adam: Tell me where Price Rocks is at, and you won't die. Luna: How the f*** would I know? Bitch. Adam: Aren't you a little bit to young to be using those words? Adam then pulls trigger, shooting at the wall behind Luna. Luna: ALRIGHT, HES AT''' THE BASKETBALL GAME.'' Adam: WHICH ONE? Luna: The Slendermen vs The Fishes. Adam: Thank you for your time. Adam is then shown driving off in a limosine, while in the limo, he calls one of his assassins. '' Jeulin (Channing Tatum): Jeulin here, speak twat. Adam: Jeulin, this is Heart. I have a job for you soon... Scene 2 ''The scene opens up with Price, sitting and watching the basketball game in a small "ghetto" empty stadium, the players do not look to energetic. Price: (Applauding, obviously as a joke) WOOH, LETS GO SLENDERMENS! Omar Gaither (Basketball player.) : Piss off. Jeulin, then walks into the stadium, and starts shooting at the basketball players, making them run away (and killing a lot of them.) Price, fearlessly stays in his seat. Price recognizes Jeulin. Price: Jeulin, I haven't seen you in 2 years. Jeulin: Yeah, your coming with me. Price: But the game isn't over yet. Jeulin: Don't be smart with me. Jeulin then punches Price, but Price ducks. Price kicks Jeulin hard in the chest, and Jeulin falls over. Price pulls out a gold pistol from his pocket, cocks it, and fires at Jeulin. Jeulin does a back handspring, dodging the bullet, pulls a smoke grenade, and activates it. The camera shows Price standing in the middle of the smoke slowly spinning around aiming the gun. Price: Is this what I think it is? Jeulin: What can I say.... Jeulin appears behind Price, grabs him, and pulls a Batarang to his throat. Jeulin: I gotta be me. Price puts his gun to his head like he'll shoot himself but turns it to shoot Jeulin. As Price shoots, Jeulin releases Price and pushes him away, and dodges the bullet. Price stumbles then turns and fires more shots at Jeulin, which he dodges, and then Jeulin throws a Batarang, which hits Price right in the forehead, and knocks Price unconscious. The scene cuts into a scene that takes place outside the store where Gashon and Kahar got into the firefight. White letters on the screen say "Two years ago". Price (In flashback, talking to Jay and Jeulin in the parking lot): Why are we here again? Jay pulls out a phone showing security camera footage of Axrik's return to Slenderville and argument with Gashon and Mirta. Jay: It's starting again. Price: What is? Jeulin: The War, moron. Price: Jesus, I was just hoping it wasn't that and we were talking about grocery shopping or something. What's gonna happen here? Jay taps around on his phone and it changes to security footage of Axrik briefing Tiger and Anakin on their mission. Jay: Since Tiger and Anakin aren't too bright, they'll probably try to take Gashon and Kahar, who are in the store, directly and by force. Price: So, the plan? Jeulin: As long as everything goes right, nothing. Gashon and Kahar escape, and Axrik fails. Price: Nothing ever goes right. What's the plan? Jay: We get them the hell out of there. Gunshots are heard inside the store. Jay: Alright, you two go in. I'll hack into cameras and make sure no one else gets in or out. Price and Jeulin walk into the store and split up, watching the gunfight from afar. The camera shifts to Gleb holding a pistol, then back to Price, who pulls out a walkie-talkie. Price(into walkie-talkie) : Who the hell is that guy? Jay: Oh, sh- Price turns the walkie-talkie off. Price: JEULIN, GET OVER HERE. Jeulin: ALRIGHT, HOLD ON. Jeulin reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a Batarang. Price: Really? Jeulin: I gotta- Jeulin gets hit in the chest by a stray bullet. Price: SON OF A- Price cuts his swearing short as he ducks to avoid the bullets, and turns on his walkie-talkie. Price: JEULIN IS DOWN, I REPEAT, JEULIN IS DOWN. Jay: DAMMIT, MOVE THE BODY AND GET OUT OF THERE. Price pulls Jeulin into the women's bathroom, and runs out the exit. More gunshots are heard, and Price jumps into Jay's car through an open window. Jay: How did you know that was open? Price: I DIDN'T, NOW GO. Jay's car pulls out and drives away from the store, illegally fast. Scene then fades to black. Scene 3 As the screen fades back, Price awakens after being knocked out, this time in the back of a windowless white van, parked outside a Barnes & Noble. Price, with his hands tied behind his back, takes a pocket knife out of his back pocket, and cuts the ropes that he is tied to, he then grabs his cell phone, and starts dialing a phone number. Scene then cuts to show Jay J. Johnson (Tim Blake Nelson), the screen focuses on him multitasking between arguing with a person on youtube about politics, and him hacking Amazon.com. '' Jay: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand done. Drum roll. ''Jay, onl''y ''a click away from hacking Amazon.com, slowly starts pointing his finger at the enter key, he then gets a phone call, he is startled by the noise, and accidently clicks the exit button, closing and wasting all his work Jay: DAMMIT, EVERY DAMN TIME THIS STUPID **** HAPPENS. He then picks up the phone Jay: SPEAK. Scene then cuts to Price. Price: Jay, I'm in a little trouble. For one, Jeulin is alive. Jay: Isn't that a good thing? Price: Well, no, hes pissed off for some reason. Jay: Define "Pissed off". Price: "Price must die" kind of pissed off. Jay: Alright, I'll work on it. Price: **** He's coming back. Jeulin returns out of the Barnes & Noble, holding a brown book. He tosses the book into Price's lap, and the title of the book is "Holy Bible".'' Jeulin then walks back around the car to the driver's seat.'' Jeulin: The way I see it, you're gonna need all the Holy Spirits you can get. Jeulin turns to look at Price and begins to laugh, but stops laughing once he realizes Price is holding a knife to his throat. Price: It's knife to see you again, Just. Jeulin jumps out through his door. Price opens his door, and runs around to meet Jeulin behind the van. Price tries to stab Jeulin, but he easily steps around Price and elbows him in the back of the head. Jeulin: Knife try, Price: Are we fighting with physical stuff, or one-liners? Jeulin: I don't even know or care anymore. Price pulls out another knife from his pocket but Jeulin opens the car door, dives through, and emerges with half of the rope Price cut. As Price tries once more to stab him, Jeulin wraps the rope around Price's hands and ties it tight. Jeulin: Idiot. What would you have even done if you won? The scene changes to Jay, who can hear the entire fight and conversation because Price turned his phone on to speaker. Jay ends his end of the call, and begins to turn to his computer and start typing in command prompt furiously, so fast what he's typing can barely even be seen. Jay: What I can do is cross reference that audio with every security camera in the entire country..... A video pops up showing the entire fight from the viewpoint of the Barnes and Noble. Jay: And then figure out where that camera is...... Google Maps pops up, with directions of how to get to the Barnes and Noble from Austrailia. Jay: Wait, I'm using Austrailia? It's supposed to be Ukraine this month.... Jay uses command propmpt again to apparently change his IP address. Jay: Oh! And I can get the liscense plate number! And I can put Jeulin as Number one on every states' Most Wanted! And the FBI! And this! And that! And more of this! And how about these apples! You, sir, are the only bitch here! The camera fades out as Jay with a face of evil glee beings to slowly destroy Jeulin's life. The camera fades back in to Price still tied up in the back seat. The sun is now setting outside. Price: Where are you taking me? Jeulin: Why do you care now? Seriously, it's been like 4 hours counting the Barnes and Noble trip and you just now ask? Price: I said, '''Where. Are. You. Taking. Me? Jeulin: Twat? I cunt hear you! Jeulin laughs out loud, as "Asshole" by Denis Leary comes on the radio. Price: We were friends once, Jeulin. What happened? Jeulin: YOU LEFT ME TO DIE, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. Price: WELL I'M SORRY, BUT YOU LOOKED PRETTY DEAD AT THE TIME AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND EXAMINE YOUR HAIRY CHEST. Jeulin: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. AND I STILL WON'T GIVE ONE WHEN I DROP YOU OFF AT- A rocket is fired from offscreen and hits a large rock formation in front of the van. Jeulin slams the brakes and turns the van, and manages to stop before he crashes into the falling rock. Price and Jeulin's heads both turn the same way as the camera, to reveal several helicopters with black armored men jumping out of them. Jeulin: What the hell? Price: I didn't bribe any officals for this.... The armored men, revealed to be a SWAT team by patches on their shoulders, shoot the wheels on the van, open the doors, and pull out Jeulin and Price. Jeulin is face up, while Price is face down. A SWAT team member turns Price over. SWAT Member 1 (offscreen): We got Jeulin, I repeat, we got him. SWAT Member 2: Who's this guy? SWAT Member 3: (offscreen) Yo, that's Price Rocks man! SWAT Member 3 (Played by Nick Cannon) takes off his mask, smiles, and takes a selfie with Price's unconscious body. He puts his mask back on, and scrolls through his iPhone until he gets to the picture he just took. The camera slowly pans in on his phone, and it is seen Price's eyes were wide open, and his face was furious when the picture was taken. SWAT Member 3: Oh, snap! The camera moves under the car, where Price is now hiding. Then, the car lifts off the ground, pulled by a helicopter. Price looks up and sees Adam in a tuxedo in front of a 60s Dodge Dart. Adam Heart: Ah-ah-ah. Adam pulls out a Secret Service badge and shows it to the SWAT team. Adam: Sorry boys, but I've gotta take this one with me. Mr. Jeulin, on the other hand, is all yours. The camera shifts to Price's view of the scene, with Adam standing over him. Adam raises and lowers his foot to kick Price in the face, and the camera blacks out as he connects. Scene 4 Scene opens with Price, hes tied to a chair, in an interrogation room, Price starts looking around, only to see nothing but pitch black. 5 Seconds later, a blinding light turns on, Price squints his eyes Price: Dammit, its bright. Bright (Woody Harrelson): Did someone say Bright? Bright then hits Price in the head from behind with a nightstick. Price: Ow... Bright? Bright: Yep. Price gets hit again. Price: OKAY, CAN YOU STOP? Bright: I didn't do it. Green Wizard (Liam Neeson): I did. Price then gets hit again. Price: OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU NOT? Evanf (Taylor Lautner) then appears on screen. Evanf (In Christian Bale Batman voice.): WHERE IS IT??? Price: What the hell, you sound like your choking on a co- Evanf hits Price in the face. Evanf: WHERE IS THE MONEY??? Price: (Coughing up blood) What money? Adam then walks in. Adam: You know damn well what money I want, you pathetic excuse for a War Eagle. Evanf: OH LOOK, IT'S ADAM HEART, ONLY HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE SO HE'S JUST ADAM Adam (confused) : ...What? Evanf: YOU'RE HEARTLESS MISTER RICH GUY WITH AN EGO. Adam pulls out a knife, puts it against Evanf's neck, and pushes Evanf down into an awkward stance where his ear is on top of where Adam's heart is. Adam (whispered): I most certainly have a heart, you scum sucking skank. It's how I stay alive. You, on the other hand, may soon find yourself.... dead. I am the Adam Heart, and'' ''NO ONE can do jack to me. Evanf: When it existed, I was an admin on the Clone Wars wiki, BITCH. Adam cuts Evanf just a little, then throws him across the room. Evanf bumps into Price, and tumbles down next to him. Everyone else in the room is stunned and confused at the weirdness of what just happened. Adam: One of you boys please get me another chair. Bright opens the door, which reveals a dark corridor. '' Bright: Adam, didn't we like '''just' get these bulbs fixed? Adam: Yeah, I swear we did... Bright: Funny. Bright closes the door, walking down the hallway to get a chair. He is then punched by a man whose face isn't revealed. Bright: What the hell? The lights then turn on. Revealing Jeulin standing right in front of Adam wearing a cape and cowl, similar to Batman's. Bright: Jeulin? Jeulin: I'm B- Bright throws a punch at Jeulin, he catches it and twists Bright's arm. Jeulin: Now. Tell me, what was that I heard you talking about earlier? Scene cuts to flashback of Adam talking to Bright with Jeulin watching over a surveilance camera. Adam: Once Jeulin is no longer needed, I need you to take care of him for me. Bright: Yes sir. Scene cuts back to Jeulin and Bright. Bright: Oh yeah, (snickers) that. Jeulin knocks him out and starts walking to the interrogation room. Price: How do you pronounce your name anyway? Evanf: Uh... Price: Is it Evan-Eff or Evanph? Evan: Actually, the E in my name is- Evanf gets shot in the head. Price: THE HELL? Jeulin is shown on screen, aiming a gun toward the direction Evan was shot. A siren then goes off. Price: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Jeulin starts untying Price. Price: So, why the sudden change of heart? Price gets untied. Jeulin: I'll explain later, right now we need to hurry up and get in here. Where'd Adam go? The pair quickly look around the room to discover Adam is gone. Price: The hell, he was just here! Jeulin: Damn it, we'll get him later. Jeulin and Price then start running as guards are shooting at them. As the duo get outside, the building they were held in explodes. Price: WHAT THE F? Jeulin: I-... Didn't do that? Price: THEN WHO DID? Camera then points to the air, where Jay is in a helicopter, shooting rockets at the building. He waves to Price and Jeulin, Price waves back. The helicopter starts going down. Jay: GET IN. The two then get into Jays helicopter, and start flying away. Price: Jay, how did you know where we were? Jay: Jeulin sent me a message with the coordinates. Jeulin: So, where are we going? Jay: I know a place. The camera then shows the helicopter flying away. Scene 5 The trio, now in a blue Jeep, drive up to an Applebees late at night. Jay and Price are in front, Jeulin in back. Jay is driving. Just: What the hell are we doing here? Jay: We've been in this Jeep for half an hour. Jeulin looks down. Just: When the hell did we get in a Jeep? Price: I knew I saw you sleeping. Jeulin: What? Jay: Anyway, we're here because this is safe. No one ever suspects fugitives to hide in a resturant. I would've preferred a Golden Corral, but the closest one is in Texas. Just: Where are we, anyway? Price: Jesus, you're a hard sleeper. Let's get in there, I'm hungry. The trio sits down. An Employee (Emma Stone) begins to take their orders. The camera switches to Price's viewpoint. He quickly glances around the place and zooms in on the back of a a black person's . The scene quickly flashes back to the fight at the car, where the SWAT Member (Nick Cannon) took a selfie with him. It is the same head. Employee (Emma Stone): And how about you, sir? The camera focuses back on the Employee. It zooms in on her name card, which says "Lexie B." The camera then returns to the previous 3rd person perspective. Price: I'll just take a Sprite, please. Lexieboop looks at the list she is holding in her left hand. Lexieboop: So we've got eighteen root beer floats and a Sprite? Price looks at Jay and Jeulin in confusion. Just: Affirmative. Lexie walks away, leaving the trio to themselves. Price pulls Jay and Jeulin's heads in so he can whisper to them. Jeulin: You did it wrong. They're supposed to hit. Price (Whispered):Will you shut up? Jay (Whispered): Is this about the root beers? Price (Whispered): WE'RE SURROUNDED BY SPIES, DAMN IT. I SAW SOME BLACK GUY ON THE SWAT TEAM- Just (Whispered): THAT'S RACIST- Price (Whispered): AND THE CHICK WHO JUST TOOK OUR ORDERS? THAT WAS LEXIEBOOP. The camera shifts to in the kitchen, where Lexieboop walks in to meet Bright. Lexieboop: They're here. Bright: Sweet. I'll put in a good word for you. Bright hands Lexieboop some money. Bright: Word to the wise- get out, or get down. The camera follows bright as he walks into the main area of the restaurant. When he enters, Price looks up, pulls out a pistol, and stands up. Bright: Not so fast. Everyone in the restaurant now stands up. With the exception of Jay and Jeulin, all of them point their guns at Price. Bright: Now, Adam just wants me to take you over to him and get the money, but I happen to have a bit of an agenda of my own. Two years ago, you were seen in a supermarket. The same supermarket, in fact, where Gashon Cansaker, Kahar Zamet, Gleb Kaminer, Anakin Xenobomber and Tiger Assasin had a shootout. Why? Price: Why ask a question you already know the answer to? My turn. What the hell does that have to do with this? Bright: Spoilers. Jay (Whispered): When I give you the signal, duck. Bright: SHUT IT. I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE. Just: THAT WASN'T EVEN A- Jay: NOW! The power of the restaurant goes out, with the only light coming in through the windows. The darkness lights up as everyone in the restaurant fires, until the shots settle down after about 10 seconds. The lights turn back on, revealing Price, Jeulin, and Jay sitting under a bloody table. Everyone else is a bloody corpse or out of the camera. This has practically the same effect on the restaurant as taking a box of red paint grenades and just exploding them all over it. Price: Oh, damn. The trio gets up from under the table and walks out. The camera moves to Bright, who is not dead. He opens his shirt and reveals a ballistic vest underneath. There is a tear above his heart, but it does not go through and he is not bleeding. Bright: We really DID hire the best... Bright turns over and sees Lexieboop staring at him. Bright: Well don't just STAND there, we need to clean up this mess... Lexieboop walks away to get some stuff. Bright: And then I clean up the big mess.... The camera cuts to the trio back in the blue Jeep driving away with their headlights on. Price is driving now. Jay: Where are we going? Price: To someone who has answers. The camera cuts to Axrik's cell, the next day. Axrik is tied to a chair, while Bane and Knight mock him. Bane: LADIES AND Knight: GENTLEMEN, WELCOME Bane: TO DAY EIGHT HUNDRED Knight: AND FOURTY SIX Bane: OF THE ETERNAL ROAST Knight: OF AXRIK RADUM. Axrik: When I get out of here, the first thing I'm going to do is kill you both. Bane: HAHAHAHAHA, Knight: THAT'S HILARIOUS. Axrik: Isn't it? The camera switches to Axrik's point of view. Through the window of the door behind Bane and Knight, the trio can be seen shooting and stabbing multiple cops, until Price looks through the window. Then, the camera follows a flashbang under the door, into the cell, and right between Axrik and Bane before exploding. The camera goes white and soundless. When it returns, Price is seen talking to Jay with a katana sheathed on his back while Jeulin puts Bane and Knight in the corner. Then, all three turn to look at Axrik as the sound returns. Price: Well well, if it isn't the great AssRip himself. Axrik: Wrong. Two cells over. Price: I don't have time for games, Ax. I need info. Axrik: Don't we all. Price: Two years ago, you tried and nearly succeed in recreating one of the original conflicts of the war. Axrik: Nearly? Price pulls out his katana. It makes a loud Katana: SCHING! sound. '' Price: No one is supposed to know about the war. Who hired you? Axrik: Is it me, or are the police in this town incompetent assholes? Price: STOP SCREWING WITH ME. Axrik: That's gross. ''Price and Axrik fade out as Jeulin, looking up, sees a security camera. Jeulin: Jay, we're being watched. Jay: Wow, I should've seen that sooner. I got this. Jay pulls out a phone and starts tapping around. Jay: This signal is going to... The camera cuts to Lexieboop watching the security footage in a van. Several War Eagle gang members dressed in gear similar to the SWAT team but without any badges/ribbons are sitting in the van. Suddenly, the footage pauses. Lexieboop: Alright, they're on to us. Go! Go! Go! As the other gang members leave, Lexieboop puts on sunglasses and pulls a black hood over the top of her head, before grabbing a pistol and running out of the van. Jay: We need to leave NOW. A rocket suddenly flies into the room. The camera enters slow motion as Price, Jay, and Jeulin dive away from where it is about to hit. Axrik also attempts to dive, but as he is tied to a chair, he just manages to move a few feet. The rocket is nullified at the last second by the scriptwriter's limited knowledge of how explosions work in the real word, and manages to only create a giant hole in the wall, that leads right to the Jeep. Lexieboop (Offscreen): WHO THE HELL BROUGHT AN RPG?!?!?!? The trio runs out the hole and into the Jeep. 4 gang members begin shooting the tires before they get in. Just: THEY THOUGHT OF THAT????? Jay: FOLLOW ME, MORTALS. Jay leads Price and Jeulin around the police station (while they are being shot at by Lexieboop and various gang members) until they jump in the gang's van and quickly drive off, hitting a stop sign on the way. The camera zooms out to Lexieboop and various gang members standing looking at the stop sign. Lexieboop: Did they just....What just happened? Adam Heart: Yes, what exactly DID just happen? Lexieboop spins around to face Adam. Lexie: LONG LIVE THE WAR EAGLE! Adam: Ditto. Please tell me, where is Price? Lexie: Uh... He just.....We just got our best van jacked. Adam: You know what else just got jacked? Lexie: What? Adam pulls out a taser and quickly shoots Lexie, who tries to run but is unable to, and falls to the ground squirming. Adam: Your job. Adam crouches down to talk into Lexie's ear. Lexie is still squirming in pain. Adam: Say hello to Lucifer for me. A gang member cocks his shotgun, but Adam shakes his head and they all walk away. When they are out of the camera's view, the camera shifts to Lexie. She rolls over and looks up. The camera jumps over to a view of two boots and Lexie looking up. Lexie: You.... The camera cuts to a bloody Axrik tried to crawl out of the station still tied to a chair. Adam walks up behind him, turns the chair over, and stares him in the eyes. Adam: Oh, hello! Haven't seen you in what, two years? Axrik: Two long, hard, eternities. Adam: I bet you would know about long, hard, eternal things. Axrik: I don't know if you're smart enough to notice, but I just held my end of the bargain. Now get me the hell out of here. Adam: Some elaboration is required. Axrik: You wanted me to bring you Price. Guess who came here specifically for me, kicked the asses of your forces, and escaped? Adam: Ghandi? Axrik: We agreed never to speak about that again. It was PRICE, you idiot. Adam starts to walk away. Adam: Guess who isn't- Axrik does a back flip, landing his chair directly on top of Adam. Axrik: You cut me out of this, or I use your teeth. Adam hastily pulls out his knife, obviously in pain, and cuts the ropes binding Axrik. Axrik gets up, and then does a cannonball onto the chair. Adam: AHHHOFFFFFF...... Adam passes out. Axrik walks off, as the song "How You Like Me Now" begins to play. Scene 6 Now back in Slenderville, Price drives the van as Jay texts and Jeulin watches Jay over his shoulder. Jeulin: Who ya textin? Jay: This chick named Arianna I met like a month ago, she's awesome. Jeulin: I thought you and Price were a couple? The camera shifts to Price, who is very pissed, stopping the car. Price: Seriously? Eve- A missle explodes not to far in front of the van, that it normally would have driven in to. The camera moves up to reveal an attack helicopter with the War Eagle logo, a minigun on the front, and missles on the wings. The camera then switches to Jay's phone, now watching camera footage showing the helicopter. Jay: Oh, Jesus, DRIVE PRICE! The van starts going, and the helicopter follows shortly behind. Its minigun spins and begins to fire, hitting barely behind the van. Price: Alright, time to improvise. Jay (Simultaneously): Alright, time to improvise. Jeulin (Simultaneously) : Alright, time to improvise. Price accelerates the van as fast as it will go, bobbing and weaving between civillian cars. Jay hacks into a camera of a crane, then forces it to half a screen and begins operating said crane on the other half. Jeulin kicks open the back doors of the van, and begins throwing explosive batarangs at the helicopter, most of which miss and probably cause civillian casualties. Jay makes the crane turn towards the helicopter, hitting it on the right side. The helicopter spins out of control, before vanishing out of sight behind a river. The helicopter, now stabilized, pops up from behind a building, across a lowered drawbridge. Jay begins to use his phone to raise it, but the screen suddenly changes to a man in a fedora. His face is not visible. Invisi(Michael Massee): Not in my city. Suddenly, an overlay of Pong appears. Jay: What the hell? Invisi (who is on the left) scores on Jay. Invisi: 1-0. Jay: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. Price: JAY, WE NEED THIS THING UP NOW! Jay begins hacking the game. The ball, sitting in the center, grows big and red as the Jabba the Hutt "ho ho ho" laugh plays. Suddenly the ball disappears, and reappears at Jay's blocker, which is now a slingshot. The projectile is the ball. Jay fires the ball at Invisi, but in the middle, Pacman rapidly flies by and eats it. The ball reappears behind Jay's blocker, which is back to a blocker with a rainbow texture. Invis: 2-0. Jeulin: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE? Jay taps the ball, and it disappears. Invisi: What? Jay's blocker starts to glow, then explodes into many balls that all breach Invisi's defenses. Jay: 2-45, bitch. Price is now driving towards a drawbridge. The helicopter is on the other side, and the bridge is being raised. Price: Hang on! The van races towards the bridge, managing to make it up in time to do a jump over the river. In mid-air, Jeulin throws a batarang that directly hits the cockpit of the helicopter, explodes, and sends the helicopter crashing. Jeulin: I'm Bat- Jeulin is thrown out of the van as it suddenly stops. In front of the van are a horde of cop cars. Price: Why are they always in hordes? Jay: I'm assuming there was a W? Sgt GreenWizard (Liam Neeson) gets out of his car with a speakerphone. Sgt (Liam Neeson, over speakerphone): ATTENTION CITIZENS. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR. Price and Jay get out of the van. Jeulin, ducking, walks into the front seat area with dozens of explosive batarangs. Sgt: NOW SURRENDER AND DIE, BITCHES. Jeulin throws all the batarangs through the windows, which immediately explode and fill the entire area with fire, made from the explosion. Price, Jay, and the van are all thrown clear, and since we just got him assume SGT also survived. Jeulin: BITCH, I'M BATMAN. Scene 7 The time is now night. The van is shown speeding down a desert highway while Mackelmore's "Thrift Shop" plays very loudly. The camera shows the front view of the van. Price and Jay are dancing like maniacs in the front seats and jeulin can be seen doing the moonwalk in circles in the back. Eventually they come upon a random porta-potty on its side. Jay immediately pauses the music, and the trio get out of the van and enter the porta potty. Price goes in first, and when he opens the door instead of the most filthy thing known to mankind there is a polished steel ladder, and begins climing down. When they land, each of them pulls out a pistol and a flashlight and begins looking around at the metal walls. This is the same complex that Price was held in earlier. Price: Didn't they like, JUST fix the lights? Jay: All right. You boys know what we're here for. Find anything we can trace back to Adam. As the trio spreads out down the hallway, Price enters the room he was interrogated in earlier. Jeulin: Can dust mites be traced back to Adam? Price: No, but this can. Price pops his head and right arm out of the doorway, revealing a bloodstained phone. Price: Did you know Evanf's wallpaper looks 20% better covered in his blood? Jay: Who the hell would want to know that? Jay and Jeulin come over to look at the wallpaper. Jay: Okay, you're right. Price: Damn straight the Price is right. Jay: Anyway, this is good. Adam and other important War Eagle members keep tracking devices on them so no one ever gets lost. Guess whose phone has a tracking device app? Jeulin: My utility belt? Jay: Evanf. Price: Isn't he like, Nova's son or something? Jeulin: Ha. He wishes. Price: Still, he might have Nova's phone number... Jay: Price, you're a bloody evil genius. Price: You're one to talk Jeulin: I'M BATMAN. The scene switches to the inside of Nova's house. There are abundant banana peels, 3 swords hung up on a wall, and a satanic circle with candles on each point of the star. Nova is sitting on a dirty green couch in the middle of the circle. Nova's Iphone rings, playing "Blood and Thunder" at a very loud volume. As it begins to play, there are loud knocks on an off screen door. Nova picks up the phone and answers it. Nova: Do you mind if I hold for like 30 seconds, I have fags to take care of. Price (speaker sound effect): Nov- Nova: Thanks. Nova puts the phone on hold, and opens the door, which still cannot be seen. As light floods the room, a shadow is visible. Nova: NO KAHAR, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PLAY DATE WITH YOU. SCREW OFF. Nova slams the door, lo''cks the 3 locks, and answers the phone again. Nova: Sorry about that. Price: What the hell was that soundtrack playing? It sounded like angry mormon sex. Nova: Close enough, now what do you want? Price: Remember the bank heist three years ago? Nova laughs overly loudly while flailing around for about 20 seconds. Price: ... Is that a yes? Nova: Oh, HELL yes! What can I do for you, Price? Price: The same thing, in a way. You, me, and Adam meet up and do criminal activites. Only this time, when I screw Adam over he dies and you get his money. Nova: My birthday was like 4 months ago,you know. Price: And a very merry unbirthday to you. Nova: Oh my god yes, this is going to be amazing. So much better than sitting around with these idiots. The camera turns around from Nova to a mannequin colored to look like Ronald McDonald. There is a post-it note with the name "Lexie" engraved in Sharpie. Nova (Whispered): Lexie drives me crazy. Scene 8 The scene returns to Adam, sitting on a couch watching basketball. Adam: GODDAMN THOSE SPURS. SOONER OR LATER I'M GONNA SHOW UP TO ONE OF THEIR GAMES WITH A GODDAMN UZI AND ASK THEM TO BLOCK THOSE SHOTS. There is a knock on the door. Adam turns the TV off, and opens the door. Nova is standing there in a black jacket. Adam: Nova? Nova: Hi. Adam: What are you doing here? Nova: You know how much I hate my neighbors and sometimes I get a little...lonely. Nova steps in close to Adam and kisses him on the cheek. Adam: Yeah, I do. Adam closes the door and kisses Nova. As they move towards the couch, Nova falls on top of Adam. Grinning, he unzips Nova's jacket. On the inside of her jacket, Nova is wearing a black bra and there are several revolvers taped to the inside of her jacket. Nova punches Adam in the face, pulls one out, and puts it to his head. Nova: You are so lucky I'm getting paid generously to do this. Adam: What the hell? Nova: Don't worry, my client will explain everything. Price walks into the room, in a formal tuxedo. Price: Hi, Adam. Don't you think about running away, because Nova's not the only person with a weapon, and I have two haters of yours waiting in a van outside for you to step more than 2 inches outside. Adam: WHY CAN'T I EVER GET LAID? Nova: Because you're a goddamn manslut. Nova punches Adam again. Price: Now, I have quite a few questions for you. The camera quickly cuts to the back of the van, where Jay has a laptop transmitting the audio of the conversation. Jeulin is crouched behind Jay. Jeulin: So, you gonna show me her? Jay: Sorry, there's no camera in Adam's house. Jeulin: No, Arianna. Jay: Will it make you screw off? Jeulin: Maybe. Jay hands Jeulin his phone. There is a picture of Kat Dennings. Jay: Now go watch the perimeter or something. The scene then changes back to Price and Nova interrogating Adam. Price: You know about the war. How? Adam's mother (Tilda Swinton) walks out of a closet. In the closet are stairs leading down to the basement. Adam's mother is holding a slice of apple pie.' Adam's Mother: Oh, Adam, you have guests! I'll be back with more pie in just a few minutes. ''Adam's mother walks back down into the basement. All Nova, Price, and Adam stare at each other completely confused as to what just happened. The camera switches back to Jeulin in the van. The phone rings and Jeulin answers it. Jeulin: Hello? Invisi (Over phone): Hello, Just Jeulin. Please inform Mister Johnson that he is about to recieve a mind-blowing surprise. Jeulin immediately puts the van into reverse, and pulls out of the driveway. Jay: What the hell? Jeulin: We have incoming! Jeulin turns, and starts driving down the street illegally fast. He quickly ends the call and calls Price. Back in the house, Price's phone rings, and he answers it while getting weird looks from Nova and Adam. Price: Hello? Jeulin (over phone): YOU NEED TO TAKE COVER RIGHT THE HELL NOW! Price ends the call, takes one of Nova's pistols and shoots Adam in the leg. Price: Nova, we need to get to the basement ASAP! Nova runs into the closet, and Price follows her. Down the street, an ice cream truck with blacked out windows and a sideways ice cream cone on top comes to a stop facing the house. The cone begins to spin. As it spins faster and faster, the top comes off to reveal there is a minigun, which begins firing on the house. Inside the house, as bullets fly through the walls and windows shatter, Adam rolls off the couch and hides under it. In the basement, Nova and Price run down stairs but stop when they see Adam's mother sacrificing monkeys Adam's Mother: C̷͕̰̭͓ͧ̄̒̿͞T̸̹̮̓̓̍̈́ͯͅH̷̜͈̪͗U̍ͧ̒ͫͦ͗̑͏̷͇̥͚̖̺̝͎͡ͅĻ̝̲͎͖͓͍̖ͥ̑͗̔̇̕H̴̥͍̤̬͙̦͒̅̕͡U̲͕͓̰̱̱̜̜̪ͪ̾̃̄ͭ͛ͭ̎̉͘͡ ̵̷̦̖͕̅͂̉̿͌ͫͥ̎́Z̷̙̗͒̿͐͗̊̈Ẹ̶̴̡͖͎ͩ̓͆͋ͫ̔̑͐̿ ̮͍̣͍̾̿ͯ͋̓̕ͅN̸͛ͪ͏̶̖̭̖͖Ị̴̧̰͖͔̤́̎S̸̴̬̱̫̯͓̈́ͣ̎̓͟ͅǍ̶̹͙̩̥͖̤ͩ̆̓̉ͨ͑̾D̵͍̬̙̘̬̤͕̏͒͘͡R̙̟̖̟͐ͫ̎͝A̪͍̹̗͓̝͕ͣ͂͌ͩ̚͘ ̤͉̭̮̇͌̈́̄̕P̳̪͎͔̗͕̜̓̾̏ͫͪ͒̚I̷̫̦̪͙̲̐ͩ́̈ͤE̴̫͖͍̭̼͌̂̍̆̃͡Ự̵̳̫ͧͤ͝S̢̩͔ͮ̀ͥ̍ͩ̐̾̍̓ Price: What in the name of bloody mormons is going on here? Nova: What is it with you and mormons? Adam's Mother: Y̍ͥ҉͈̹̭͇̯͙̫͔ͅO̵͎͔̝̠̮ͨ̃ͧ͊͛U̖͋̎̀ ̸̯̠̎ͣ̑̓́D͉͓̫̣̮̮̬͉̆A̝̯͎͚͒̽ͩ̐ͥŖ͙͎͒̌͊͗͂̊́̀ͤ̀͢Ê͓̹̒ͭ̌ͫ̏ͣ͝͝ ̨̻̯̖͈̝͔̂Ḑ̫̠͈̰̭̩̈́ͩ͛̄ͧͅI̷̡̠̗̒ͮ͂̃ͅS̛̖͉̝͓͉̺͓̖̺ͥ̆̒̊͊̽͋̓̚Ṱ̖̣̯̲͔͖̑̀̍̄ͩͯ̚͜͝Ư̭͕ͨ̃ͯ̆͊R̶̢̹̪̝̳̽̚͟Ḇ͈̱̒͗̊ͥͤ̀ ͂ͭ҉̠̠͎T͇͍̯ͫͩ̒̏ͭ͌ͯͩͨ͜͠ͅH̷̼̯̆Ẽ̶̹͈̱̗̭̙̽͛̑̂̑̿̀̀ ̵͔̺̮ͬ̔́͠R͆ͨ͌͐̐҉̡̙̤̰̺̭̝I̮̖̥̥ͩ̏̈ͤ̍̚T̵̷͙̎͂ͦ̔̏̂̆̉ͅṺ̧̦̬̠̼̩̪̹̤́͘͢A̛͇̐̉̎̈ͯ̉̀̚͘L̊̊ͬ͐̌ͨ҉̷̧̙ͅ?̨̬͓̝̝̈́̄͜͝ Price: There are a lot of things I dare to do. The ice cream truck suddenly has two missle launchers appear on the underside. The missle launchers fire at the house, and the car drives off. Under the couch, Adam grimaces as the missles hit and an explosion is heard. In the basement, Adam's mother turns around, her eyes are glowing purple. She extends her hand, and a bloodstained large mace appears in it. Adam's Mother: Aͬ̃͋ͦ̍҉̭̜̣̤̙̯̟R̲̪͉̼̯͙̹̹͖̾͋̋͆ͯ͊̈́̚E̸̪̺̗ͥ͌̂̈́ͮ̅͗̀́̚̕ ̴̤̞̜̯̈ͫͥ̑̃ͣ̔ͦ̈̀̕Y̷̻̩̯͒͐̊̎͝Ơ͍͉͎͖̻͈̜̓̀ͮ̊͗̈U̳͇͉ͤͥͭͫ̑ ͩ̉̈́ͨͬ͑҉̞͉̤̼Ą̰͖̬͙̖̫ͨͬ̈́̾ͥ̓ͭ ̺̞͑̅ͪͦ̔͂̐̚G̡͋ͭ̎ͮ̔ͣ̋̚͏̻̙̩̣̪̖̱Ǫ̵̮̮͖̟̲͇̑͌͌̍̇̎́̚D̖̓̏͛̄ Nova: Basically. Nova pulls out two pistols and unloads both of them into Adam's mother, who flinches every time. Adam's mother immediately falls to the ground when Nova runs out, and dies. Her eyes stop glowing. Price: Nova, what the hell did you do that for? Nova: Either I killed her or we fought some weird intergalactic demonspawn, okay? Price: SHE WAS MAKING US PIE. Nova: I assure you, my pies are better. Let's get back to Adam. Price: About that, he's probably dead. Nova and Price walkback upstairs into the main house. The only thing standing is the enterance to the basement. Everything else is burning, except for the couch, which Adam crawls out of. Nova: The hell? Adam: Titanium couch. Price picks up Adam, shoots him in his other leg, and throws him on the couch. Price: Alright you miserable scum. Tell me how you found out about this war and I swear on the soul of my father Domingo Montonya you will live. Adam: Jesus, okay, okay! I was hired to do this by a man named Wuher. That's all I know! Price: YOU SON OF A BITCH! Price unloads his entire gun into Adam's skull, and turns to Nova. Price: Six hours from now, you will recieve an E-mail from a nameless sender. Inside this message will be all of Adam's bank accounts and login information. No one ever knows we were here. Nova: Oka- The van with Jay and Jeulin skids into the driveway behind Price, who turns to enter it. Price: Thanks, bye! Price runs into the van, adjusting his tie, and then the van immediately drives off, leaving Nova by herself. The camera pans out on the scene, and darkens until it is all black. Scene 0.2 After the credits finish rolling, another scene starts. It opens up in a familiar place. Gashon Cansakers house. It's night, every room is dark, and Gashon is asleep. A black man then unlocks a door, and sneaks into the house, all the way to Gashon's room. Gashon wakes up, turns on his lamp, and screams at the sight of someone breaking into his house. Alerted by Gashons scream, the black man starts screaming with him. Gashon then grabs a gun from under his pillow and points it at the black guy. Gashon: DIE NIG-... Atom? Gashon then puts the gun away. Atom: Gash... Name one other black guy that you know. Gashon: Uh.... Atom: Nevermind. Gash, were all in danger. Gashon: Who's we? What? Atom: Everyone. Price, Jay, Jeulin, Reed, Dylan. You know. Gashon: Give me details! Atom: OKAY, OKAY, SO IT ALL STARTED ON JUST A NORMAL DAY... ''Screen fades back to black. Once screen is completely black, ''the words "To Be Continued..." pops onto the screen.